We should get a free pass cause we all got together.
Okay, don’t get me wrong. I liked X-Men: Days of Future Past (DOFP). And I count myself as one of the hugest “mutant-and-proud” supporters of the franchise on the planet. Hell, I even liked X-Men Origins: Wolverine, amnesia bullets, ratchet Deadpool and all the rest of that nonsense. But unlike the rest of the planet, I don’t think DOFP was the best film in the franchise. (For the record, I reserve that slot for the more nuanced, sweeping, and socially relevant X2.)
SPOILER ALERT:Mind your words. We’re heading right into spoiler territory. You’ve now been duly warned.
My biggest problem with DOFP: Nobody bothers to explain how they put Professor X back together after he literally fell to pieces confronting Jean Grey in X-Men: The Last Stand. Yes, the end credits for the latter film suggested he occupied another body but still, it was a different physical person. In the end credits for The Wolverine, the now whole Professor X tells Logan, “As I told you once before, you’re not the only one with gifts.” And that’s that. DOFP just plops a non-disintegrated Charles Xavier into our laps and goes on with the show. C’mon, there needs to be some explanation here, cause you know: THE GUY GOT OBLITERATED! That kinda exposition really matters.
“When exactly do I lose my hair?”
(If you dig around online, reportedly in the commentary for the X-Men: The Last Stand DVD, it is explained that Xavier entered the consciousness of Moira MacTaggart’s patient, who just happens to be his twin brother. In the womb, the Professor’s overwhelming mind abilities just totally fucked up his bro. Fair enough, but since when did we have to research the internet for a film’s plotlines?)
Another franchise quibble: At the end of The Wolverine, where Logan makes friends and enemies in Japan, didn’t he lose his adamantium in the final fight? And keeping that plot point in mind, how does he have adamantium bones in the future in DOFP? Again, no explanation.
Rock, scissors, paper. Okay, go!
And mutant-logistically, while the scene was arguably the best sequence in the movie, doesn’t it seem Quicksilver is a bit too powerful? He may not have had an appealing sense of dress, but he really could have come in handy during the film’s many, many almost-assassination scenes. He just needed to run by and take the gun away from the person in question. In fact, he probably could’ve speeded up the film’s main flaw: Characters spent precious and long moments convincing each other that they had to do things to make the future a better place, or they shouldn’t do things that would ultimately bring on the end of the human race.
But then, I guess that makes me a dick cause the movie would be over in 60 minutes.
Even in the past, there apparently was an Armani AX.
And on a purely personal and non-objective note, the end credits were initially confusing. They already announced the next movie in the series will be X-Men: Apocalypse, and it will feature the titular fearsome, totally buff-ass villain. What we saw was a child building the pyramids in Egypt in front of a worshipping crowd with four horsemen in the background.
Obviously this is Apocalypse Baby. I guess it’s just that I never imagined Apocalypse as a toddler. I mean, even The Avengers showed us what appeared to be the real Thanos. Would it have killed anyone to show us a glimpse of the real Apocalypse? Especially because in this day and age, he’s gonna be CGI anyway.
But enough with #100daysofhate. We could discuss the series’ inconsistencies till…well… the apocalypse, but in conclusion, I’m coming from a sincere place here. I genuinely care about these poor mutated characters. I mean, I think this is the most I’ve written about a movie in almost a year since my jaw-dropping shock at the collateral damage of Man of Steel. (This summer, even Godzilla had a nimbler touch around a city’s infrastructure.)
Again, X-Men: Days of Future Past was an entertaining enough film. I just want the coming apocalypse to be a little less bumpy.
And the nominees are for Worst Old Age Make-Up . . .
It’s an interesting move to release the adaptation of the Broadway hit Jersey Boys smack in the middle of the summer season, especially if the musical doesn’t star Adele Dazeem. On top of that, the film is about a doo-wop group whose core audience are probably baby boomers, not CGI-craving, catatonic young folks. And it’s directed by a man who talks to furniture. But improbably, it’s June and here we have Jersey Boys, directed by our favorite loony celebrity Republican, Clint Eastwood.
Of course it helps if you’re a fan of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons and the story documents their street thug origins, rise to fame, and their eventual dramatic dissolution. All the hits are also there: “Rag Doll,” “Working My Way Back to You,” “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” and many more.
“Big boys don’t have marbles in their mouth.”
I saw the version in Vegas and as far as I can tell—full disclosure—or as far as my mother can tell, this version was just as enjoyable and true to the background material. In fact, this review is really all about my mother. And your mother. She is gonna love this movie. All those doo-wop tunes were from her time, not yours. During a highpoint, much hub-bub is made about playing “the song.” “Just play the song!” And Valli begins crooning those familiar lyrics: “You’re just too good to be true / Can’t take my eyes off you…” Somehow when we finally hear that hit though, it feels anti-climactic.
But then maybe it’s because I’m a non-objective 80s cinephile who can’t forget Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys bringing down the theater in a…well… fabulous montage sequence of the same song. There’s also the fact that the musical then goes on with one more act with their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, complete with some truly atrocious old age make-up.
“See? That note right there? Eastwood wants us to talk to the sofa…”
John Lloyd Young, who originated the Broadway role as Frankie Valli lacks a certain screen presence. Yes he has a nice voice and we see female, and even male members of the audience, in rapture with him, but once he’s not singing, he just looks kinda pouty. His performance probably went over better on the stage where he wasn’t at the mercy of Eastwood’s choice of unrelenting Les Miserables-style close-ups.
Only Christopher Walken manages to make an impression as a mobster supporter who, in the end, really doesn’t seem to do much to help them. But the actor manages to bring comic timing to his nefarious dealings.
It’s sad that the movie only truly comes to Broadway musical life during Walken’s scenes and during the end credits that has most of the cast dancing and singing down a street. The movie really could have used more of that energy. In the end, something is just wrong with the tone. At times it wants to be a hard edged tale of boys rising from the mean street of New Jersey and at other times, it wants to be the full fledged musical catalogue of the group’s hits with some slapstick mook comedy thrown in for kicks.
Or maybe I just didn’t get Jersey Boys because, as the movie keeps reminding us, I’m not from Jersey.
Jersey Boys is currently playing in theaters everywhere.
Oscar Watch looks to break down the different categories for the 2014 Academy Awards. We’ll do our best to give you the inside track for your Oscar pools. Above: Blanchett & Adams, our frontrunners.
Who Should Win: (Tie) Amy Adams, American Hustle / Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
I really hate ties cause I feel they’re cop-outs, but in this particular case, I think it’s warranted.
Not only did Amy Adams manage to play a sluttier type of woman than she’s normally known for, she also spent half the film speaking in a convincing English accent. And let’s not also ignore the fact that for almost three hours, she avoided a nip slip.
But then again, I think Cate Blanchett deserves this award as well. Not only did Ms. Blanchett manage to play a lower class of human than she’s normally known for, she also managed to spend the entire film speaking in a convincing American accent. And let’s not ignore the face that for almost two hours, she went without a Xanax.
Unfortunately, due to the recent allegations against Woody Allen, as well as his extremely unsympathetic op-ed, voters may punish the filmmaker by denying Ms. Blanchett some glory. This is too bad since she turned in a punishing, fearless role as a totally selfish, materialistic, and prescription medication-addicted bitch while at the same time, getting a ton of laughs in what was actually a comedy.
Judi Dench in Philomena & Meryl Streep in August: Osage County
On everyone else…
Meryl Streep: We’ve seen Meryl Streep do this a billion times and we’ve seen her do it better, particularly in The Bridges of Madison County. (Yeah whoa, remember that one?) And besides, every single person who wins an Oscar that night is going to thank her profusely anyway. Sorry God, Meryl’s gonna get all the props.
Judi Dench: Like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street, we get the feeling that Judi Dench is playing herself here. If anything, the Bond movies were probably a bigger stretch for her than this role in a rather cute but ultimately uninspired and vanilla adoption movie.
And while we’re at it, two actresses were criminally ignored in this category.
First there’s Brie Larson from Short Term 12, the most underrated film of the year. Her portrayal of a social worker with her own deep insecurities was one of the most moving and realistic characters to grace the screen in years.
Also very much worth noting is Adèle Exarchopoulos from the epic lesbian love story Blue is the Warmest Color. She seriously worked her ass off. Literally.
Not only was she completely fearless in the extremely graphic sex scenes required of her, she was also emotionally naked for most of the film. She was absolutely convincing as a young girl completely scared and elated with the slow discovery of her sexuality. It’s probably sacrilege to say it, but I bet even Ms. Streep could not have pulled that role off.
—
Who Will Win: Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Because of the Woody controversy and Amy Adams getting upstaged by all the J-Law hoopla, I think Sandra Bullock is gonna squeak by. Yes, she did a good job, but I just feel she doesn’t deserve it because a lot of other actresses could have pulled that role off. Even Miley Cyrus would’ve been screaming and crying if she was in that outer space situation. Heck, even Justin Bieber would’ve been screaming and crying… Never mind. (Blake Griffin: You da man.)
What are you thoughts on our best actress prediction? Give us your thoughts on the category in the comments.
Oscar Watch looks to break down the different categories for the 2014 Academy Awards. We’ll do our best to give you the inside track for your Oscar pools. Above: Chest thumping McConaughey from The Wolf of Wall Street.
Who Should Win: Matthew McConaughey,Dallas Buyers Club
McConaughey from Dallas Buyers Club, Ejiofor, Bale, and Dern.
AIDS victim fighting to obtain medication for himself and eventually the whole country. Yes it’s total Oscar bait, but Mr. McConaughey brings a genuine character along with his 47 pound weight loss. (Ironically this year Christian Bale gained weight.)
His Ron Woodroof his a homophobic, drug addicted, alcoholic hick and by film’s end, he isn’t necessarily a different person, but Mr. McConaughey shows us a subtle flicker of generosity trying to break through the surface.
There’s also a relaxed, charming scene in a fine dining restaurant where he compliments a waiter on bringing the right bottle of “grape juice.” It’s a small moment as the emaciated-looking character is having one of his better nights and it just shows how natural Woodroof has become to the actor.
Factor in Mud and The Wolf of Wall Street and boom—this dude had a pretty good year. And on top of all that, Mr. McConaughey has never won an Oscar.
On Everyone Else…
Chiwetel Ejiofor: As the free slave who finds himself back in captivity in 12 Years a Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor is actually my second favorite performance of the year. It was a close one for me (between Mr. McConaughey), but I just have a feeling Mr. Ejiofor will get a few more chances to show off his talents. Still, that long shot of him hanging from a noose is one of the most haunting, frightening, and yet, beautiful scenes of the year.
Christian Bale: My third favorite performance this year. For any other actor, being an overweight 70s hustler under a bad hair weave would be a challenge, but this is Christian Bale we’re talking about. We’re almost to the point of taking his physical transformations for granted, but somehow, it just feels Mr. Bale barely broke a sweat hamming it up as this epic larger-than-life (literally) character in American Hustle. In some ways, maybe the hardest part Mr. Bale ever had to play was actually Bruce Wayne. As that orphaned hero, without the mask, he had nowhere to hide.
Bruce Dern: Umm… No. Just no. (But watch, the voters are gonna pull some Lifetime Achievement thing and I’ll just be screaming at the TV. Nebraska and Philomena would have been network TV movies of the week in the 80s.)
Let’s instead remember some other more worthy male performances from 2013.
Michael B. Jordan as the ambitious but doomed train passenger in Fruitvale Station. Robert Redford as a practically wordless boatsman in All is Lost. Oscar Isaac as the jerkish and melancholy folk musician in Inside Llewyn Davis. Jaden Smith as the young, knee-taking jungle warrior in After Earth.
Okay, just kidding about one of those, but still… You get my point. All were arguably more memorable performances than Bruce Dern. #sorrynotsorry
Who Will Win: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street
Unfortunately, Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar either.
The biggest problem with this performance is that you get the feeling you are watching Mr. DiCaprio just simply having a good time being Mr. DiCaprio. Throwing money around, dropping f-bombs, oof-ing models, and snorting copious amounts of coke? Frankly, that’s what we always thought of him before The Bieber came around to take all the illicit attention away. It just doesn’t feel that much of a stretch and there’s a bunch of young actors out there who could probably have pulled off the same performance.
If anything, Mr. DiCaprio should have gotten the nomination for The Great Gatsby, a movie that cannily took the notion of being Leo and turned it on his slicked back head.
But with his three previous nominations and his fifth collaboration with Martin Scorsese, Academy voters might feel it’s time to give in.
What are your thoughts on our predictions? Give us your thoughts on the Best Actor category in the comments.
“Mr. Disney clearly stated my bonus kicks in if I don’t get an Oscar nomination.”
Bitching about the Oscar nominations is really just a pointless endeavor since the whole damn thing is political anyway, just like any other job industry. But unlike, say, bitching about Target credit card breaches or unemployment bill passages, Academy Award bitching is way more fun. So here goes 2013’s ranting and raving.
This is the sound of Oscar ignoring you.
My personal biggest slight: Short Term 12. Not even a screenplay nomination? And while we love Meryl Streep, was she really all that great in August: Osage County? No, she wasn’t. Brie Larson deserved that Best Actress slot. In this 1% society, Ms. Larson made social work a heroic and even noble occupation while at the same time, falling apart under her own baggage from the past; a exquisitely layered performance.
Second personal biggest slight: How the heck could American Hustle have been ignored in the Best Makeup and Hairstyling category? That opening sequence of Christian Bale carefully adhesive-ing his weave? Priceless.
Perm vs Weave
What did get nominated in Makeup and Hairstyling? In addition to Dallas Buyers Club, Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa and The Lone Ranger. Who woulda thunk those two movies could put “Oscar nominated” on their DVD packaging?
Best Costume Design for American Hustle was truly deserved though. Amy Adams did not have a single wardrobe malfunction for almost three hours. That’s an achievement. (Or just industrial strength double-stick tape.)
This is the most SFW pic we could find.
On a more expected snub, none of the actresses in Blue is the Warmest Color got nominations and arguably, they really deserved it. Then again, Academy voters probably couldn’t spell their names (Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux). Plus, said voters were probably put off by a whole lot of graphic NC-17 lesbian scissoring.
James “Look at all my shit!” Franco got snubbed for Spring Breakers, but again, that little piece of nastiness probably wasn’t Academy members’ cup of tea. And “Barkhad Abdi” is slightly easier to spell.
It was nice to see “Happy” get nominated for Best Original Song, (Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Pharrell Williams performed it for 24 hours?), but Lana Del Rey got totally robbed for “Young and Beautiful,” which was thematically essential throughout The Great Gatsby. (Gatsby was also the most criminally underrated movie of 2013, but that’s an argument not to be fought here. Leo acted his ass off in Baz’s epic adaptation, as opposed to simply screaming and partying in The Wolf of Wall Street.)
Leo really looks like he wants to drop an F-bomb.
My bitching can go on forever, old sport. Lone Survivor might have gotten more substantial notices had it opened wide earlier. The vanilla but still sincere Saving Mr. Banks basically got the shaft. Then there’s Fruitvale Station, Robert Redford and Blackfish: All ignored.
Just to keep things in perspective, let’s just remember the real reason we watch the telecast, and why the Oscars are still relevant—Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Oh wait . . .
Missed a step? I’m still younger than Roger Moore was in A View to a Kill.
First, contrary to advance word, Skyfall is definitely not the best Bond movie ever. Yet, it is a game changer with some eye-popping moments never seen in a 007 film before so it’s definitely worth seeing for both fans and non-fans. (Incidentally, that little top 10 list I made yesterday? Chuck #10 and replace A View to a Kill with this flick.)
But, there is absolutely no way to have a frank discussion without spoilers so be warned. Turn back now if you haven’t seen it.
Let’s start with the negatives.
Inexplicably, they kill off Judi Dench as M. Unless she, as an actress, wanted to retire, that decision is completely ludicrous. Only she can pull off an Alfred Tennyson poem in the middle of a government hearing in an action movie. Ralph Fiennes is introduced as a bureaucrat monitoring M and by the end of Skyfall, he has taken her place behind the desk handing Bond confidential files. And the problem is, his character is nowhere near as compelling as Dench’s.
On the road to retirement.
In fact, there’s a lot of the sense that they are bringing in the new and tossing out the old in Skyfall. Much is made that 007 has “missed a step” and needs to be put out to pasture and M must retire. Didn’t they just reboot the bloody series a few years ago? If that’s the case, why not just hire Henry Cavill and start the whole thing over again. Again.
Director Sam Mendes (The Road to Perdition, American Beauty) finally dumps The Bourne Identity mimicking tone and while refreshing with some just plain jaw-dropping, sumptuous cinematography by Roger Deakins (The Shawshank Redemption), somehow it doesn’t work. Even though the most exciting action sequences: the opening train destruction in Turkey, the train destruction in London, a fistfight outlined in blue neon, the shootout in a courtroom, a helicopter crashing into an old manor at the climax… Everything seems to fall flat. There’s no punctuation to the violence. And when Bond and Silva finally have their final confrontation, it isn’t the competitive match we expect. At times, the pacing seems more like the recent Alex Cross, not a Bond movie.
“Pull my finger.” “What makes you think this is my first time?”
The soundtrack by director Sam Mendes’s frequent composer Thomas Newman is particularly disappointing, especially after the great strides made by David Arnold. The music is a tad too non-intrusive and we miss the eponymous Bond theme more than ever. Sometimes during the action scenes, even we find ourselves humming it on our own.
Adele’s theme song, listened to on its own seems subdued and derivative, but in the context of the film itself, it turns out to be absolutely perfect. Daniel Kleinmen returns for the opening credits and it’s the most visually compelling since Casino Royale. It’s a surreal, swooping, unnerving murky underwater nightmare of moving feminine curves and bleeding target range body-sheets that will look terrific on Blu-ray.
I giggle a lot because this isn’t really a tobacco cigarette.
Also beautiful is French actress Berenice Marlohe as the mysterious bad guy’s girl Severine. Slinking around in black dress and equally black goth make-up, she just looks gorgeously intriguing right up until the moment she is called upon by the screenplay to portray fear. Then, inexplicably, she has a case of the giggles. Without hesitation, Connery’s Bond would’ve slapped her back into reality.
Albert Finney has a wasted small part towards the conclusion as the gameskeeper of Bond’s old family estate and his presence is a bit unnecessary. Usually Bond doesn’t need amateur assistance, especially from a crotchety character straight out of a Dickens novel. Usually the job goes to the Bond girl to assist 007 during the final conflict. This makes Finney Craig’s Bond girl. Eww… Either that or the bisexuality theory just took an extremely fascinating turn.
Moneypenny is finally introduced in the form of Naomi Harris. It’s a subterfuge; the press releases and advance media portrays her as a Bond girl but by film’s end we learn her last name and find her behind a desk in front of M’s inner sanctum. Frankly, it all feels like a gimmick. And as we infer by the famous shaving scene, her and Bond did it. I know we’re re-inventing the series but Bond and Moneypenny should never oof—that’s just wrong. Their whole relationship is based on unrequited flirting. Prior to Skyfall, I always felt that Moneypenny should be gay; someone for Bond to mercilessly toy with. Oh well… These fill-ins just feel like gimmicks as opposed to organic elements added to the Craig canon.
The interrogation is gonna be THIS big.
But leading from homoeroticism, here’s what does make Skyfall work: at the top of the list is Javier Bardem as the evil, unhinged Silva. Arguably the best villain since Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill, he steps it up from his sociopath in No Country for Old Men and goes full-on into psychopath territory. Bardem is given so many great moments, more than Craig himself: his intro with the rat monologue, a deadly game of William Tell with old fashioned pistols, his revealing of a deformity due to a cyanide capsule gone wrong, and best of all, his sketchy, pervy “interrogation” of Bond… It’s the kind of classic jolts that we missed from the villains of the past. (And depending how you interpret Craig’s blech face once Bardem turns his back, could Bond be bisexual?!)
Ben Whishaw (Cloud Atlas) is introduced as Q and he’s completely dorky and watchable even though, as an afterthought, he adds completely nothing to the story. He seems busy pushing a lot of keys on a computer but we really have no idea why. Hopefully he’ll have more to do in the sequels because his presence is refreshing.
Last but not least though is Daniel Craig, Bond himself. His portrayal continues to be sincere and appropriate, no small feat in this era of short-term reboots. While he doesn’t go Roger Moore on us, his subtle injection of humor is just what the series needs for the long term. From adjusting his cuff links after dropping into a train car via construction lift to his confident reply to Silva’s leg-rubbing pass at him: “What makes you think this is my first time?”, Craig proves that the part is his for as long as his muscular fingers want it; regardless if other characters in the movie deem him too old.
I’m actually a trust fund baby. You don’t think I can afford all this on a government salary, do you?
Every moment Craig is onscreen, it’s riveting. You can’t help but think that this is the coolest man on the planet, exactly what James Bond is supposed to embody. He does a tequila shot with a scorpion crawling on his wrist and even though the movie isn’t perfect, you feel you are witnessing the best portrayal of the Ian Fleming creation since…well…Casino Royale. There’s a great moment during a fight with a henchmen in a komodo dragon pit. (Yes, komodo dragons are involved.) Craig has the perfect look of MMA focus and surprised confusion as the slow lizard moves into the frame. And he’s wearing a tux in the scene as well. If he ain’t Bond, who is?
It’s gratuitous but what the fuck, it’s James Bond’s 50th B-day and Skyfall is shaping up to be what critics are calling the best Bond movie ever. (Not that I would know. I’ve been avoiding the reviews like an airborne Moonraker virus due to spoiler-age.) Nonetheless, as a total geek to her majesty’s secret service’s most famous agent, here’s my top ten 007 flicks. And yes, in some of them, I got a lot of justifying to do but I have this funny feeling, the series is like your taste buds: as you age, things change. When you’re a kid, you hate spinach, but now it’s your favorite side-dish at Wolfgang’s. With a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
1. Casino Royale
Yeah this is totally sacrilegious. Goldfinger is supposed to be your favorite Bond movie but if you’re actually more of an Ian Fleming book freak, Casino Royale hued the closest to the source material in spirit. Not to mention, even beyond Sean Connery, blond and all, Daniel Craig most embodies the blunt, yet soulful, instrument that is essentially James Bond. Plus, that Chris Cornell song was a jolt in the right masculine-aggressive direction.
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2. Never Say Never Again
More sacrilegious blasphemy. This isn’t even an official 007 movie, but still… Klaus Maria Brandauer was the best bad guy ever—and yes, that includes Goldfinger. Remember when he kissed Kim Basinger and made that long spit-line before destroying his own precious heirloom which she was holding? See? He’s totally, believably nuts! And that tango with Connery and Kim Basinger? And Barbara Carrera as a ludicrously sexy femme fatale who wanted to shoot our hero in the balls? We won’t see completely Bond-ian moments like these until two decades later with Famke Janssen in GoldenEye.
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3. GoldenEye
When it was released, Bond was seriously due for a much needed revision and this entry essentially saved the series. The Nintendo game of the film gets the attention so people tend to overlook how much this movie understood the franchise while at the same time turning it on its head. The opening credits were almost brilliantly phallic with gun barrels in women’s mouths while Tina Turner purred lyrics by Bono and The Edge. Bond finally takes on another 00 agent. The banter with Moneypenny is now conducted with an ironic political correctness. But the sauciness is still there. Xenia Onatopp (how’s that for a villain name?) kills men with her thighs causing Bond to eventually point a gun at her and say, “No more foreplay.” If that ain’t improved re-invention enough, we get our first meeting with the chilly yet motherly Judi Dench as M.
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4. Goldfinger
Okay, it’s the classic that started the whole process and established the formula. But seriously, it’s actually pretty slow moving. Perhaps this is because we are all so inoculated with the movements that must have seemed original and thrilling back then; so in a perverse way, Goldfinger doesn’t stand the test of time simply because of the legacy it created. Still, everyone has their favorite moments and there’s so many to choose from. Of course, my preference: “My name is Pussy Galore.” / “I must be dreaming.”
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5. The Living Daylights
Licence to Kill (yes, they used British spelling) gets all the glory, but TImothy Dalton’s portrayal of Bond in this post Cold War thriller was the closest we got to the original Fleming until Craig. Heck, even the a-ha theme song was pretty farking cool. For some reason, during this era of Batman, Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, the world just wasn’t ready for the most cerebral portrayal of Bond ever. The most under-rated 007 film in the series.
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6. For Your Eyes Only
The one and only time Roger Moore was allowed to be something other than a doofus and it’s arguably his best entry. As a direct reaction to the stupidity of Moonraker, we see Moore actually act like a dangerous secret agent. The race on skis down a toboggan route, the out of control helicopter opening, the jalopy car chase, the cold-blooded kick that sends a bad guy off a cliff to his death… Especially after the over-rated The Spy Who Loved Me with Jaws and that underwater car, the cleansing effect is sobering. Extra points for the camp classic Sheena Easton song.
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7. Tomorrow Never Dies
Brosnan’s second entry in the series built upon his strengths as the character. More pathos, this time with Teri Hatcher as a former lover that hints to the possibility that Bond was in a serious long-term relationship, post-Vesper. (No way!) These are all things Craig gets credit for, but the Brosnan films really did try to push the envelope. Tomorrow Never Dies also discovered the best composer since John Barry for the franchise: David Arnold. His techno-flavored score—check out the remote-controlled BMW sequence—dragged the music into the 21st century while still paying the proper homage to the indelible theme.
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8. Die Another Day
The second most under-rated Bond film in the series. Yes, it had an invisible car. So what? That’s what we pay to see. (In fact, that’s the one thing missing from the Craig legacy: the crazy gadget-ridden car chases.) The villains were also Asian for the first time, the North Koreans. (Dr. No doesn’t count.) Even the opening titles took a chance, for the first time telling a narrative: Bond’s torture in the prison over the years. Madonna’s decidedly odd song probably didn’t help matters though. And keeping things low-tech, the epic sword fight between Bond and bad guy may possibly be the best edited and choreographed fight sequence ever in all 22 (so far) films. Yes, even better than Connery versus Robert Shaw in From Russia, With Love.
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9. The Spy Who Loved Me
Like Goldfinger, this one tends to be somewhat overrated simply because of the stunning ski jump opener and Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better,” but the rest of the movie is ridiculous. Most fans love the underwater Lotus, but that stretched it a bit for me, especially when Moore rolls the window down and drops a fish onto the beach. It also introduces Jaws. Again, fans love them some Jaws, but a lot about his character is just kinda stupid. But no stupider than a henchman with diamonds scarred into his face (Die Another Day). Even more brain dead is Barbara Bach. Granted, she’s gorgeous but out of all the women in the films, her stare was definitely the most vacant.
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10. A View to a Kill
And while we’re at the over-rating of the Roger Moore ouvre, A View to a Kill—after over two decades—isn’t that bad. Famously reviled as one of the worst Bond films, it features a balls-out nutso Christopher Walken as a maniacal Nazi experiment and slinky, panther-like Grace Jones parachuting from the Eiffel Tower; classic baddies. Then there was that game-changing Duran Duran song. Granted, the snowboard opening with “California Girls” was cringe-inducing and Moore looked pretty Jurassic by this time, but A View to a Kill is far from guilty of complete negligence.
In fact, all the films, even the worst ones, had its moments. Live and Let Die had crocodile jumping, the rocking Paul McCartney, the luscious Jane Seymour, and an inflatable death scene. The Man with the Golden Gun had Bond dueling Sarumon and that keen dismantling pistol. Even Quantum of Solace had… Well, I can’t think of anything memorable in that one yet. But upon re-watching it, I probably will. And that’s what just plain magical about this series.
What’s your favorite Bond film? Let us know in the comments.
Since Rye has no life, he just sits in his cave and watches movies of zero nutritional value. Occasionally, he’ll feel classy due to a bottle of wine that didn’t have a screw-top and he’ll watch something with subtitles. Here’s his keyboard’s regurgitation of what passed before his bespectacled eyes.
It was pretty much a week for the boys at the movies. Maybe it was a indirect response to The Hunger Games. And a direct response to . . . barf . . . Think Like a Man.
Boy is a charming coming of age tale of one New Zealand boy named…Boy (above right). He lives in a rustic country of old houses, wide open grassy fields and the oceans within walking distance, much like the country parts of Hawaii.
Boy’s only real interests in life are Michael Jackson and his father, who is serving jail time. A teacher, who knew Boy’s father in school, tells the youngster that he has “potential.” This is something Boy will spend the rest of the film trying to unlock, an ambition that becomes complicated when Boy’s deadbeat father, Alamein, is finally released from prison.
You are probably not safe around this man.
Alamein (above) is a pot-smoking, spastic, almost bipolar man in a state of arrested development. Suffice to say, he slowly doesn’t live up to Boy’s fantasies and Boy must figure out who (not what) he wants to be when he grows up. (Alamein modeling himself as a shogun after reading James Clavell’s novel should have been a dead giveaway.)
Taking place in 1984, Boy is quirky, funny, heartwarming, and it even gives off a sense of nostalgia, especially for Hawaii viewers—even if one has never been to New Zealand. There’s something similar about the lifestyles. Director Taika Waititi (who also plays Alamein) has created a fine dramedy, complete with a Bollywood-style dance number at the finish, done with a New Zealand touch. (For that matter, stay till the end of the credits for a little surprise.)
This bus is probably not very safe either.
Speaking of boys, think of Bully as the gateway drug to the epidemic of bullying in schools across the nation. Instead of confronting the school administrators, we just simply get one sad story after another. They are all affecting but it feels more like a primer: “Hey, look! Bullying exists in our schools and our children are its victims!” Uh, anybody with a Twitter account figured that out years ago. Frankly, the beef with the MPAA over the foul language probably helped the film more than hindered it because the actual product is one long PSA for the website TheBullyProject.com.
The filmmakers tell heartbreaking stories but don’t really go after school administrators to see what they are planning to do to stop what is a very real problem. When celebrities making videos on YouTube seem to be doing a better job at helping our at-risk youth, something’s seriously fucking wrong. Go check out that website and perhaps that’s where the real work can begin.
Being around these pirates is definitely not safe.
Also for boys, but of an entirely different thing is The Pirates! Band of Misfits, the latest stop motion/CGI animation effort from the folks that brought you Chicken Run and Wallace and Gromit. If you’re fans, you’re gonna love Pirates. If not, the humor might be too bloody British. There’s a totally adorable dodo bird in it, Hugh Grant is the voice of the Pirate Captain and…well…that’s that.
In all honesty, it does go a bit long though and in the end, feels a bit slight. But kids will certainly love it and parents will get off on the Charles Darwin bashing. Come to think of it, as minor as it feels, this film was more entertaining than the last two Pirates of the Caribbean movies combined.
This man is your best bet for safety.
For the tougher boys out there, someone who probably wouldn’t get bullied often is a burly guy named Snow in Lockout. He’s played by Guy Pierce and his brand-new biceps. (Watch L.A. Confidential again. Where did Pierce get those giant arms? He must’ve spent a lot of time at the gym since Memento.) Anyway, Pierce plays the one guy able to rescue the President’s daughter (Maggie Grace) from a futuristic super max jail in space. And this is the point in my column where I will now refer to Lockout as Space Jail! because I find it much more appropriate and amusing. (Yes, my version of the title comes complete with exclamation point. I’m a whore for punctuation.)
Space Jail! is a fine enough film. Guy Pearce is the main reason to see it. He’s somehow funny even though the script doesn’t really give him a single witty thing to say. It’s all in his droll, deadpan delivery. Grace, formerly of Lost and Taken, does a fine job of once again being took. It’s a fun enough movie and I remember enjoying it, but I kinda forgot what happened already. It’s disposable like that. Like an orange creamsicle you ate. You remember really liking it but the details escape you soon after.
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Boy is currently playing at Consolidated Theatres Kahala 8 & Pearlridge 16. Bully is currently playing at Consolidated Theatres Kahala 8. The Pirates! Band of Fisfits are playing at theaters all across Oahu. Lockout is playing at theaters across Oahu.
Since Rye has no life, he just sits in his cave and watches movies of zero nutritional value. Occasionally, he’ll feel classy due to a bottle of wine that didn’t have a screw-top and he’ll watch something with subtitles. Here’s his keyboard’s regurgitation of what passed before his bespectacled eyes.
I suddenly have a craving for pita bread!
For all that are dying to know if Gale holds it against Katniss regarding Peeta and just think life is over, I am here to assure you that there is indeed life after The Hunger Games.
The Cabin in the Woods is the awesomest movie ever. (Sorry, Hunger Games fans.) And…umm…that’s all I can really say about that cause there are huge surprises that the trailer, and hopefully the Internet, didn’t totally already ruin. Try not to read any other reviews and just go see it. Even if you don’t like horror, it ain’t that gross and it’s witty, funny, and it’s a fanboy’s dream come to film life. And it’s the first “puzzle-movie” since Inception that rewards multiple viewings. And there’s boobs.
So yeah… That’s the big review for The Cabin in the Woods.
On the film festival circuit, my schedule didn’t work for Spring HIFF this year, but as a gaming dork, I did want to see Ace Attorney. I had to settle for Marley instead. Yeah, how’s that for a subject change?
Is that love?
Anyway, Marley is a documentary on the reggae icon directed by Kevin Macdonald (The Last King of Scotland) and it’s basically the definitive cinematic portrait of Bob Marley’s career. At almost two and a half hours, it painstakingly takes us from Marley’s shanty town beginnings to his succumbing of cancer at a snowy clinic in Germany.
Along the way, we get interview footage from his friends, associates and family (including Ziggy Marley and Jimmy Cliff) as well as moments from the man himself. All paint a portrait of his music and politics, and whether you’re a fan or not, there is no denying the significance of the artist’s contribution to culture.
Diehard Marley fans will probably feel shortchanged on the amount of concert footage and conservative use of his music, but as a biography, Marley is compelling for all. (Appropriately, it opens today 4/20, at the Kahala theaters. Bring a pipe at your own risk. )
Speaking of pipes, while at home this past week, I wanted to catch up on some stuff I missed last year so I made the grave error of watching Take Shelter and Melancholia on two consecutive nights. Both are completely different films about the end of the world, both immensely compelling and undeniably watchable with powerhouse acting performances, and seeing both in such a short span also made me want to slash my wrists. I wouldn’t recommend these two as a double feature unless you got a serious jones for the apocalypse.
Then again, regarding film it seems we’re all just lingering in a sort of cinematic purgatory which I shall name P.A. (Pre-Avengers.) We’re just waiting for those super-dudes to just fucking assemble already.
Nick Fury broods as he simultaneously watches Take Shelter and Melancholia.
RT @Ethan_Anderton: James Cameron making four AVATAR sequels:
AVATOO in 2018
LOOK WHO’S AVATAR NOW in 2027
BIG MOMMA’S AVATAR in 2034
AVAT… 6 years ago
RT @firstshowing: Here's the new Avatar logo revealed during the presentation. Notice the water in the A, and mountains at the sides. https… 6 years ago
The Red Band Project 
Going Past Days of Future Past
Tags: Apocalypse, Professor X, X-Men: Days of Future Past, X-Men: The Last Stand, X2
We should get a free pass cause we all got together.
Okay, don’t get me wrong. I liked X-Men: Days of Future Past (DOFP). And I count myself as one of the hugest “mutant-and-proud” supporters of the franchise on the planet. Hell, I even liked X-Men Origins: Wolverine, amnesia bullets, ratchet Deadpool and all the rest of that nonsense. But unlike the rest of the planet, I don’t think DOFP was the best film in the franchise. (For the record, I reserve that slot for the more nuanced, sweeping, and socially relevant X2.)
SPOILER ALERT: Mind your words. We’re heading right into spoiler territory. You’ve now been duly warned.
My biggest problem with DOFP: Nobody bothers to explain how they put Professor X back together after he literally fell to pieces confronting Jean Grey in X-Men: The Last Stand. Yes, the end credits for the latter film suggested he occupied another body but still, it was a different physical person. In the end credits for The Wolverine, the now whole Professor X tells Logan, “As I told you once before, you’re not the only one with gifts.” And that’s that. DOFP just plops a non-disintegrated Charles Xavier into our laps and goes on with the show. C’mon, there needs to be some explanation here, cause you know: THE GUY GOT OBLITERATED! That kinda exposition really matters.
“When exactly do I lose my hair?”
(If you dig around online, reportedly in the commentary for the X-Men: The Last Stand DVD, it is explained that Xavier entered the consciousness of Moira MacTaggart’s patient, who just happens to be his twin brother. In the womb, the Professor’s overwhelming mind abilities just totally fucked up his bro. Fair enough, but since when did we have to research the internet for a film’s plotlines?)
Another franchise quibble: At the end of The Wolverine, where Logan makes friends and enemies in Japan, didn’t he lose his adamantium in the final fight? And keeping that plot point in mind, how does he have adamantium bones in the future in DOFP? Again, no explanation.
Rock, scissors, paper. Okay, go!
And mutant-logistically, while the scene was arguably the best sequence in the movie, doesn’t it seem Quicksilver is a bit too powerful? He may not have had an appealing sense of dress, but he really could have come in handy during the film’s many, many almost-assassination scenes. He just needed to run by and take the gun away from the person in question. In fact, he probably could’ve speeded up the film’s main flaw: Characters spent precious and long moments convincing each other that they had to do things to make the future a better place, or they shouldn’t do things that would ultimately bring on the end of the human race.
But then, I guess that makes me a dick cause the movie would be over in 60 minutes.
Even in the past, there apparently was an Armani AX.
And on a purely personal and non-objective note, the end credits were initially confusing. They already announced the next movie in the series will be X-Men: Apocalypse, and it will feature the titular fearsome, totally buff-ass villain. What we saw was a child building the pyramids in Egypt in front of a worshipping crowd with four horsemen in the background.
Obviously this is Apocalypse Baby. I guess it’s just that I never imagined Apocalypse as a toddler. I mean, even The Avengers showed us what appeared to be the real Thanos. Would it have killed anyone to show us a glimpse of the real Apocalypse? Especially because in this day and age, he’s gonna be CGI anyway.
But enough with #100daysofhate. We could discuss the series’ inconsistencies till…well… the apocalypse, but in conclusion, I’m coming from a sincere place here. I genuinely care about these poor mutated characters. I mean, I think this is the most I’ve written about a movie in almost a year since my jaw-dropping shock at the collateral damage of Man of Steel. (This summer, even Godzilla had a nimbler touch around a city’s infrastructure.)
Again, X-Men: Days of Future Past was an entertaining enough film. I just want the coming apocalypse to be a little less bumpy.