The Red Band Project

“Mr. Disney clearly stated my bonus kicks in if I don’t get an Oscar nomination.”

Bitching about the Oscar nominations is really just a pointless endeavor since the whole damn thing is political anyway, just like any other job industry. But unlike, say, bitching about Target credit card breaches or unemployment bill passages, Academy Award bitching is way more fun. So here goes 2013’s ranting and raving.

This is the sound of Oscar ignoring you.

My personal biggest slight: Short Term 12. Not even a screenplay nomination? And while we love Meryl Streep, was she really all that great in August: Osage County? No, she wasn’t. Brie Larson deserved that Best Actress slot. In this 1% society, Ms. Larson made social work a heroic and even noble occupation while at the same time, falling apart under her own baggage from the past; a exquisitely layered performance.

Second personal biggest slight: How the heck could American Hustle have been ignored in the Best Makeup and Hairstyling category? That opening sequence of Christian Bale carefully adhesive-ing his weave? Priceless.

Perm vs Weave

What did get nominated in Makeup and Hairstyling? In addition to Dallas Buyers Club, Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa and The Lone Ranger. Who woulda thunk those two movies could put “Oscar nominated” on their DVD packaging?

Best Costume Design for American Hustle was truly deserved though. Amy Adams did not have a single wardrobe malfunction for almost three hours. That’s an achievement. (Or just industrial strength double-stick tape.)

This is the most SFW pic we could find.

On a more expected snub, none of the actresses in Blue is the Warmest Color got nominations and arguably, they really deserved it. Then again, Academy voters probably couldn’t spell their names (Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux). Plus, said voters were probably put off by a whole lot of graphic NC-17 lesbian scissoring.

James “Look at all my shit!” Franco got snubbed for Spring Breakers, but again, that little piece of nastiness probably wasn’t Academy members’ cup of tea. And “Barkhad Abdi” is slightly easier to spell.

It was nice to see “Happy” get nominated for Best Original Song, (Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Pharrell Williams performed it for 24 hours?), but Lana Del Rey got totally robbed for “Young and Beautiful,” which was thematically essential throughout The Great Gatsby. (Gatsby was also the most criminally underrated movie of 2013, but that’s an argument not to be fought here. Leo acted his ass off in Baz’s epic adaptation, as opposed to simply screaming and partying in The Wolf of Wall Street.)

Leo really looks like he wants to drop an F-bomb.

My bitching can go on forever, old sport. Lone Survivor might have gotten more substantial notices had it opened wide earlier. The vanilla but still sincere Saving Mr. Banks basically got the shaft. Then there’s Fruitvale Station, Robert Redford and Blackfish: All ignored.

Just to keep things in perspective, let’s just remember the real reason we watch the telecast, and why the Oscars are still relevant—Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Oh wait . . .